Vote Like a Pirate

Aye, the tide is turning me fine lasses and laddies. Election day draws nigh and soon we'll be having a hack and slash sword fight with the scurvy varlets of that bilious Brigantine known as the S.S. Diebold as they divide up the resultin' booty. A call rings out across deck-plank and dock, 'All ashore that's goin' ashore!" Unabashed Republicans the likes o' Colin Powell and Representative Jim Leach have let it be known to one and all that a McCain presidency is a calamity up with which they will not be puttin'. Television talking heads such as Katie Couric and David Letterman find it impossible to interview an R candidate without lapsin' into eyerollin' and into lip curlin' sneers. Chris Matthews expressed his disgust that McPain has no idea what the constitution is tellin' us about what a vice president does, and R speechwriter David Frum says that while he may still vote for his lily-livered passel of lamers, he washes his hands of the ham-handed hodgepodge they've been after foistin' upon the American people.

These hard-core henchmen of the establishment are like rats leavin' a sinkin' ship. Conversly, they are like new-signed landlubbers anxious to get their sea-legs under 'em as the ship of State casts off for new waters. Middle of the roaders hate to be left stradling a gangplank as it folds up for four years of hold storage.

So pack yer hardtack and put on yer Sou'Wester. It's time to fish or cut bait.

I just saw a recast of the September 24th CBS Katie Couric interview

Dear Senator Obama,

Do not suspend your presidential campaign, Do not suspend it for one minute. Go to the Senate floor for negotiations and votes, and maintain contact with your constituency by electronic means. Have your family and campaign staff, and those of Senator Biden, continue to appear at rallies. Your opponent's slimy request that you abandon your quest for a Democratic Administration is motivated by his desires to increase his own pocketbook and those of his fellow super-rich. Another Republican Administration would accelerate America's divide into a country of haves and have-nots, where the have-nots are increasingly denied the right to vote. Work for change. Stay on the campaign trail.

Democratically yours,

Priss Prisstofferson


Dear Senator McCain,

Why what a clever idea. If the campaign is suspended, the other candidate will never get to meet the public and never get to answer their questions. Your greater name recognition might just edge you over the top. And clever too, to represent your call for him to pick up his marbles and go home as taking the high road. No, conceding to you would not be best for the public, it would be best for the arms dealers and insurance companies, and best for your retirement income someday when they would reward you for your role as a loyal vassal. Today we have telephones and video cameras. These can be combined into a powerful communication instrument that would allow you to stay in touch with the public and with the Press. You also have a running mate. You could request that the Vice-Presidential debate be held first, while you seclude yourself in a Senate committee room. It seems likely to me that Senator Biden would be willing to pop out of chambers, whip out a debate, and then dash back to the Capitol if there were really some effective stopgap plan to be hammered out. The Press has made much of your campaign's reluctance to take Sarah Palin out of the Saran Wrap, but debates are a traditional part of American Presidential races. If you back away from personally participating, you appear to have something to hide. So get out there and debate, or send your running mate in your stead. Wassamatter, are you yeller?

Republicanly yours,

Priss Prisstofferson